Where Do I Go From Here?

There is no legal requirement that I title all of my posts with questions, yet it seems my life is full of questions of late.

In two days, I will be exactly halfway through my M.B.A. I have been going out with cowboy for as long as I've been in school this time around - just over six months. Not sure if it is simply my over-analytical nature or if life is trying to tell me something, but I am starting to question whether cowboy and I are right for each other. At one point I was very sure because it just felt right between us.

Just before Thanksgiving, I picked up on tension between us. Not a lot, but just enough to make things a tiny bit, almost awkward. We still got along fine. I even took cowboy to my department's Christmas dinner. But it's duck season. We haven't been out to Bushwhacker's together since September. Two weekends in December I asked him if we could maybe hit the bar for a little bit, and his response was less than enthusiastic because "the bar is more of a February thing." In other words, going out dancing is an in between duck seasons thing.

Last Friday I went to a house party. It's been a long time since I've been on the work party circuit given the circumstances of the last decade. While I was at the party, I met somebody. To clarify, I have known this person in passing but that night was the first time we talked outside of work. He liked my black satin heels with the ankle straps (in a "good" way), he likes classic SNL skits, he owns books and actually reads them, he does not drive a 4x4, and his hobbies do not include killing things.

The thought has crossed my mind that one of the reasons I am so comfortable with cowboy is because in some ways, he is very similar to M's dad - the hunting, the living out beyond the suburbs, the camping, the general disdain for reading... I hate to say this, but I see some old behaviors in myself coming out that tell me I'm still not in tune with the real me. After cowboy's negative reaction to my first night out at Cowgirls, I filtered my retelling of the next couple times I went swinging around poles and dancing on bars. I considered not going to the house party. I need to be comfortable enough with who I am that I can go into a relationship and say "this is me, deal with it - I wear high heels, I've been known to swing around a pole and will probably take lessons when I'm done with my MBA, I like to go out dancing, and I have to be home every 8 hours because I have indoor dogs." Another hot topic is kids - I have M, he has two of his own. He has not met M, I have not met his two. I see the reason in not introducing too soon but it's been half a year!

After the house party, I obsessed all weekend long about what the events Friday night meant, did I want to pursue city boy, did city boy have a real interest in me, did I want to gamble on dating someone from work, did I want to continue seeing cowboy too? Do I have a clue what I want?