And in the meantime, please enjoy the following... (I did not write this, although since I do not know who did I cannot give credit where credit is due.)
This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2009, by _______________, between _____________ and ___________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
None of that "lovemaking" shit --only mind-blowing sex allowed.
No emotional discussions--Examples: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
All gifts accepted--money is always good.
No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies.
Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the agreement.If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: ______________________
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nature Calls
It isn't often that I'm wrong. Not that I won't admit to being wrong, but I'm just right most of the time. For years and years and years I have resisted whole heartedly doing anything remotely outdoorsy. I told myself I didn't like dirt, I like the city too much, I won't have any fun, and any other number of things. Readers of this blog might remember my Labor Day camping trip with cowboy, but for the most part I don't do the outdoors.
I went on an all girls camping trip this weekend. I realized several things throughout this experience. I can actually enjoy time in the outdoors and even have some fun with things. I have the ability to be resourceful when needed. And perhaps most shocking of all, I am more country-fied than I thought and I am by far not the most city-fied of the girls I know.
I agreed to go on this trip under the mistaken impression the trip organizer knew what she was doing. Granted, she said up front that she had not been camping in probably 5 years but she knew where we should go, was putting the effort into organizing, and could borrow all the necessary equipment. Kris, Susan, and Linda went up on Thursday to save two campsights for all of us who were arriving on Friday.
When Nona, Sara, and I arrived on Friday we were very grateful the other girls had come up on Thursday since the entire campground was full. As we were getting settled, we said we would pitch our own tents since it looked like the one they had put up was too big for the spot it was in. Turns out, the borrowed tent had been assembled incorrectly on Thursday night and the pole broke so it was in upside down V shape instead of an arc. The other girls didn't seem to understand why Nona and I didn't want to sleep in a tent that appeared to be on the verge of collapse.
We settled the tent issue by simply taking the tent down and putting our two up. Then, instead of letting it go, two of the girls went off in search of a guy from one of the other campsites to help put the tent on the verge of collapse back up in a different spot. The other tent assembled prior to our arrival had its own issues. Apparently there was an extra piece they weren't sure what to do with so they attached it some loops inside the tent to form a triangle in the center of the dome. Uhhh no, not correct. The 'extra piece' was the support post to the rain flap. Jen and Suzy made it there shortly after we did and we were all laughing about the tents, and how the second tent had poles that were two different lengths when Jen asked 'how do the poles fit in those little bags the tent comes in?' I swear everyone said they had been camping before but clearly not everyone is as camping experienced as they led the rest of the group to believe. At least I knew the tent I was sleeping in was assembled right (thank you Nona!).
I survived night one in the wilderness. Sara, Nona, and I cooked everyone breakfast Saturday morning. Our scheduled meal was for Sunday's breakfast but we were up before everyone else and wanted to eat. All of us girls headed down to the lake and I have a lovely sunburn on my chest and shoulders to show for it. I almost quit smoking again since the country store at the campground charged 8$ per pack. I didn't though because I drove into Parkdale later that afternoon for ice and bought cigarettes there.
Saturday night brought even more new experiences. I don't BBQ and I don't like touching raw meat. Hello, I buy pre-sliced chicken breast just for that reason. Saturday night's menu called for hamburgers, corn on the cob, and baked beans. Simple, right? Ummm, not so much. Instead of frozen pre-formed hamburger patties, Kris brought a package of bulk hamburger. Instead of pre-sliced cheese, she pulls a 2-pound brick out of the cooler. She asked if I could help her make the hamburgers, and I ended up making almost all of them. Then, no one knew how to use the portable propane grill. Well, I watched the x grill for 11 years so I figured I would step up. Not only did I make the hamburgers, I BBQ'd them too.
I survived night two in the wild. Sunday morning we three were up before everyone else again. No biggie. We had enough food left over to cook again for all of us. We would just cook and leave the girls their breakfast so we could get back to town. Only problem was the campstove was over at the other campsite. When Sara went to get it, she accidentally woke them up. So they insisted that they were going to cook since we had cooked yesterday. The second problem turned out to be that Jen didn't cook so well. I'm not hip on cold in the middle hashbrowns or soft bacon that's an odd grey color.
When it was all said and done, it wasn't bad at all. I had fun, learned some lessons on what to do next time, and I got a good tan. What more can I ask for, right?
I went on an all girls camping trip this weekend. I realized several things throughout this experience. I can actually enjoy time in the outdoors and even have some fun with things. I have the ability to be resourceful when needed. And perhaps most shocking of all, I am more country-fied than I thought and I am by far not the most city-fied of the girls I know.
I agreed to go on this trip under the mistaken impression the trip organizer knew what she was doing. Granted, she said up front that she had not been camping in probably 5 years but she knew where we should go, was putting the effort into organizing, and could borrow all the necessary equipment. Kris, Susan, and Linda went up on Thursday to save two campsights for all of us who were arriving on Friday.
When Nona, Sara, and I arrived on Friday we were very grateful the other girls had come up on Thursday since the entire campground was full. As we were getting settled, we said we would pitch our own tents since it looked like the one they had put up was too big for the spot it was in. Turns out, the borrowed tent had been assembled incorrectly on Thursday night and the pole broke so it was in upside down V shape instead of an arc. The other girls didn't seem to understand why Nona and I didn't want to sleep in a tent that appeared to be on the verge of collapse.
We settled the tent issue by simply taking the tent down and putting our two up. Then, instead of letting it go, two of the girls went off in search of a guy from one of the other campsites to help put the tent on the verge of collapse back up in a different spot. The other tent assembled prior to our arrival had its own issues. Apparently there was an extra piece they weren't sure what to do with so they attached it some loops inside the tent to form a triangle in the center of the dome. Uhhh no, not correct. The 'extra piece' was the support post to the rain flap. Jen and Suzy made it there shortly after we did and we were all laughing about the tents, and how the second tent had poles that were two different lengths when Jen asked 'how do the poles fit in those little bags the tent comes in?' I swear everyone said they had been camping before but clearly not everyone is as camping experienced as they led the rest of the group to believe. At least I knew the tent I was sleeping in was assembled right (thank you Nona!).
I survived night one in the wilderness. Sara, Nona, and I cooked everyone breakfast Saturday morning. Our scheduled meal was for Sunday's breakfast but we were up before everyone else and wanted to eat. All of us girls headed down to the lake and I have a lovely sunburn on my chest and shoulders to show for it. I almost quit smoking again since the country store at the campground charged 8$ per pack. I didn't though because I drove into Parkdale later that afternoon for ice and bought cigarettes there.
Saturday night brought even more new experiences. I don't BBQ and I don't like touching raw meat. Hello, I buy pre-sliced chicken breast just for that reason. Saturday night's menu called for hamburgers, corn on the cob, and baked beans. Simple, right? Ummm, not so much. Instead of frozen pre-formed hamburger patties, Kris brought a package of bulk hamburger. Instead of pre-sliced cheese, she pulls a 2-pound brick out of the cooler. She asked if I could help her make the hamburgers, and I ended up making almost all of them. Then, no one knew how to use the portable propane grill. Well, I watched the x grill for 11 years so I figured I would step up. Not only did I make the hamburgers, I BBQ'd them too.
I survived night two in the wild. Sunday morning we three were up before everyone else again. No biggie. We had enough food left over to cook again for all of us. We would just cook and leave the girls their breakfast so we could get back to town. Only problem was the campstove was over at the other campsite. When Sara went to get it, she accidentally woke them up. So they insisted that they were going to cook since we had cooked yesterday. The second problem turned out to be that Jen didn't cook so well. I'm not hip on cold in the middle hashbrowns or soft bacon that's an odd grey color.
When it was all said and done, it wasn't bad at all. I had fun, learned some lessons on what to do next time, and I got a good tan. What more can I ask for, right?
Friday, July 3, 2009
As I Wait...
Country boy should be here any minute actually. He's coming up to spend the weekend here. I may not even get to finish this post since he literally will be here any minute.
I got stopped for speeding Friday before last, twice. Once in Yamhill for 42 in a 25. Got a lecture from a dickhead cop about how could I not have seen the speed limit sign. He wrote me a ticket. Less than an hour later a State Trooper stopped me on 26. He was very nice about the whole thing. He told me to do him a favor, and "slow down hon." I had no choice since he pulled out in front of me and I had to follow him the rest of the way into Seaside.
After that fabulous trip, I finally made it to Seaside and the girls poured me a drink, then another, and another, and then we walked to a bar and I had another. Normally that is not a big deal but the second 'and another' was champagne and dinner had been a Reese's Fast Break. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor paying homage to the porcelain bathtub god and slept on the floor directly in front of the open patio door.
I'm so proud. No, not really. I know better. Eat before you drink. Don't mix alcohol types. Take the time to stop at the store and make sure drinks I know I can drink all night are available. Never said I knew better than to drink to oblivion, I just know how to do it better.
And no, he's not here yet.
I got stopped for speeding Friday before last, twice. Once in Yamhill for 42 in a 25. Got a lecture from a dickhead cop about how could I not have seen the speed limit sign. He wrote me a ticket. Less than an hour later a State Trooper stopped me on 26. He was very nice about the whole thing. He told me to do him a favor, and "slow down hon." I had no choice since he pulled out in front of me and I had to follow him the rest of the way into Seaside.
After that fabulous trip, I finally made it to Seaside and the girls poured me a drink, then another, and another, and then we walked to a bar and I had another. Normally that is not a big deal but the second 'and another' was champagne and dinner had been a Reese's Fast Break. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor paying homage to the porcelain bathtub god and slept on the floor directly in front of the open patio door.
I'm so proud. No, not really. I know better. Eat before you drink. Don't mix alcohol types. Take the time to stop at the store and make sure drinks I know I can drink all night are available. Never said I knew better than to drink to oblivion, I just know how to do it better.
And no, he's not here yet.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Parenting Styles of the Lazy and Ignorant
I still know how to line dance. It really truly is like riding a bike. No matter how long it's been, it all comes back to you. Took my country boy with me to Bushwhacker's last night. He doesn't dance though and nobody would ask me to dance with him sitting next to me. Well, one guy asked me but only because country boy had his arm around Amanda so some creep would leave her alone.
Another fabulous shout out to M's dad's parenting style. M and I are sitting on the couch tonight, flip the TV on and it's on VH1. Whatever was on, the commercials for 'Daisy of Love' came on. M says she thinks 'Daisy of Love' is funny. Holy Christ! what planet is it OK to let an 8 year old watch 'Daisy of Love' and 'Family Guy'? It's not! Ever!
We had a little discussion about what a twit Daisy is, how the silicone in her boobs has killed her brain cells, and how all the guys on the show are complete douchebags (using slightly different verbage of course). I decided we would leave VH1 on and we would watch Daisy together. As we talk about some of the people on the show, and the bad life choices they have made, she declares that she has seen this episode before and proceeds to tell me what happens with the skunk and the guys in their underwear and how 6Gauge showed everyone his "6Gauge" while they were in the limo.
Funny, yes... was I ready to hear my 8 year old's interpretation of Daisy of Love, not so much.
Another fabulous shout out to M's dad's parenting style. M and I are sitting on the couch tonight, flip the TV on and it's on VH1. Whatever was on, the commercials for 'Daisy of Love' came on. M says she thinks 'Daisy of Love' is funny. Holy Christ! what planet is it OK to let an 8 year old watch 'Daisy of Love' and 'Family Guy'? It's not! Ever!
We had a little discussion about what a twit Daisy is, how the silicone in her boobs has killed her brain cells, and how all the guys on the show are complete douchebags (using slightly different verbage of course). I decided we would leave VH1 on and we would watch Daisy together. As we talk about some of the people on the show, and the bad life choices they have made, she declares that she has seen this episode before and proceeds to tell me what happens with the skunk and the guys in their underwear and how 6Gauge showed everyone his "6Gauge" while they were in the limo.
Funny, yes... was I ready to hear my 8 year old's interpretation of Daisy of Love, not so much.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Oh My Long Neglected Blog
Where shall I start? My country boy is still mine. This coming weekend will be six months since we met at the bar with the peanut shells on the floor. We took 14 hour road trip to Montana and Yellowstone last week with little ones in tow, and he didn't run. M likes him, and has fun with him.
Cowgirl's closed, remodeled, took down the stripper poles, and when we went back we were the token white people. We are in search of a new favorite bar.
M's dad has gone from dickhead to slightly responsible and all the way back to complete dickhead. He had a girlfriend for a while, who had a daughter around M's age. This actually made him be a better dad. Now that they broke up, he needs to switch his weeknight visitation to a different night because he's "a single guy now. There's a lot to do on Thursday nights for single guys downtown." Never mind that M is better behaved when she doesn't bounce back and forth between houses all week long, it's Thirsty Thursday at PGE Park.
Cowgirl's closed, remodeled, took down the stripper poles, and when we went back we were the token white people. We are in search of a new favorite bar.
M's dad has gone from dickhead to slightly responsible and all the way back to complete dickhead. He had a girlfriend for a while, who had a daughter around M's age. This actually made him be a better dad. Now that they broke up, he needs to switch his weeknight visitation to a different night because he's "a single guy now. There's a lot to do on Thursday nights for single guys downtown." Never mind that M is better behaved when she doesn't bounce back and forth between houses all week long, it's Thirsty Thursday at PGE Park.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friends?
I will be the first to say it is absolutely better to be friends with the ex, and get along with everybody involved rather than find things to fight about for the sake of fighting. It is absolutely better to get along with the other ex's if there are children involved.
I now realize I am "the other ex" as I was struggling a little bit with accepting the ex's current girlfriend's myspace friend request.
I did accept though :)
I now realize I am "the other ex" as I was struggling a little bit with accepting the ex's current girlfriend's myspace friend request.
I did accept though :)
Monday, March 30, 2009
Buy One Get One Free? I'd Rather Not
I have been remiss in not updating, although now my update is a little sad. M had another very sad day yesterday, and I feel absolutely shitty about it.
I was just talking about how we had managed to keep this hamster for over six months and what did that do? I jinxed us. Yesterday we came home to a disaster. Rufus (the newest foster dog) did not meet us at the front door so I immediately knew something was wrong. As soon as I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw the stuffing from the hamster cage spilled all over the floor and knew something bad was waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. The cage was completely apart, and there was Hairball's lifeless body.
Hearing M wail for half an hour broke my heart. Then before bed she thought maybe she had left the bathroom door open and that it might have been her fault. Another half hour of absolute wailing.
Today I had to call the same vet that cremated Fluffy to make sure I could bring in Hairball. Apparently I was charged the incorrect price last time because the correct price for private cremation of a 6 ounce hamster is $104. After I recovered from my shock, I had to figure out what to do. Do I explain to an 8 year old that there is way in fucking hell I'm paying over $100 to cremate an animal that fits in my hand and cost $10? Or do I simply take the hamster in, hand it over, buy the little paw print ceramic tile, and three weeks from now bring a home a box that looks like the last one? I'm thinking option number two sounds really good.
I was just talking about how we had managed to keep this hamster for over six months and what did that do? I jinxed us. Yesterday we came home to a disaster. Rufus (the newest foster dog) did not meet us at the front door so I immediately knew something was wrong. As soon as I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw the stuffing from the hamster cage spilled all over the floor and knew something bad was waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. The cage was completely apart, and there was Hairball's lifeless body.
Hearing M wail for half an hour broke my heart. Then before bed she thought maybe she had left the bathroom door open and that it might have been her fault. Another half hour of absolute wailing.
Today I had to call the same vet that cremated Fluffy to make sure I could bring in Hairball. Apparently I was charged the incorrect price last time because the correct price for private cremation of a 6 ounce hamster is $104. After I recovered from my shock, I had to figure out what to do. Do I explain to an 8 year old that there is way in fucking hell I'm paying over $100 to cremate an animal that fits in my hand and cost $10? Or do I simply take the hamster in, hand it over, buy the little paw print ceramic tile, and three weeks from now bring a home a box that looks like the last one? I'm thinking option number two sounds really good.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
To Run or Not To Run
I really want to have something witty and cool to say here, but I'm not sure how successful I will be. I went to LC last weekend to see my country boy. I usually see something entertaining when I'm at the beach, but we spent Saturday out in the woods and Saturday night at his house. I did see a lovely fringed leather jacket paired with painted Keds on a lady at the Outlet Mall that you know she paid at least $500 for that jacket in 1985.
For those of you read that first paragraph twice, yes, I actually went willingly out into the woods. I even had to pee in the woods by the side of a road.
Big decision in my life right now is whether to sell the Camaro or not. I have a potential buyer, and I would be able to look for an older one with a manual transmission. I will stop now since I am pretty sure there is no one else who reads this blog that has any interest in cars that even remotely compares to mine.
What else? Smaller decision right now is I am signed up for the Shamrock Run 5K on Sunday. I haven't trained as much as I wanted to but more than I did last year. Only problem is I'm sick today, and not sure it's such a great idea to run 3.2 miles a couple days after I recover from whatever mild version of the flu I have. I'm leaning towards not running but I really do want to. I'm going for a pedicure after the run, but who am I kidding - I'll still go get the pedicure even if I don't run.
For those of you read that first paragraph twice, yes, I actually went willingly out into the woods. I even had to pee in the woods by the side of a road.
Big decision in my life right now is whether to sell the Camaro or not. I have a potential buyer, and I would be able to look for an older one with a manual transmission. I will stop now since I am pretty sure there is no one else who reads this blog that has any interest in cars that even remotely compares to mine.
What else? Smaller decision right now is I am signed up for the Shamrock Run 5K on Sunday. I haven't trained as much as I wanted to but more than I did last year. Only problem is I'm sick today, and not sure it's such a great idea to run 3.2 miles a couple days after I recover from whatever mild version of the flu I have. I'm leaning towards not running but I really do want to. I'm going for a pedicure after the run, but who am I kidding - I'll still go get the pedicure even if I don't run.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Twists of Fate
Just when I have things all planned and neatly arranged, fate decides that's not how things are going to be.
I decided I would not date rednecks anymore, and I would find myself a city boy at some happy hour downtown. I would not date guys who drove big trucks and killed furry animals every fall. Nope, I'm crazy about the country boy I met wearing a camo hat at a bar where you can throw peanut shells on the floor that just happens to live 2 hours away.
I decided I would introduce my country boy to M when the time was right, maybe a few months down the road. Two weekends ago when my country boy came to visit me, we went out to dinner. Walking up to the restaurant, I was looking in the window and thought "gee, M has a shirt just like that little girl." Got a little closer and said "Oh my god, that's M." She came running out the front door to give me a hug, so all I could do was introduce them. Of course she happened to be there with her dad and his girlfriend, so I had to introduce all of them to each other. Never thought the first place I took my country boy to in Portland would mean meeting M and running into my ex.
What else does fate hold for me? Not sure, but I'm sure there's something right around the corner. Every other March for over a decade has brought some sort of life changing event, and next month is an 'every other March'.
I decided I would not date rednecks anymore, and I would find myself a city boy at some happy hour downtown. I would not date guys who drove big trucks and killed furry animals every fall. Nope, I'm crazy about the country boy I met wearing a camo hat at a bar where you can throw peanut shells on the floor that just happens to live 2 hours away.
I decided I would introduce my country boy to M when the time was right, maybe a few months down the road. Two weekends ago when my country boy came to visit me, we went out to dinner. Walking up to the restaurant, I was looking in the window and thought "gee, M has a shirt just like that little girl." Got a little closer and said "Oh my god, that's M." She came running out the front door to give me a hug, so all I could do was introduce them. Of course she happened to be there with her dad and his girlfriend, so I had to introduce all of them to each other. Never thought the first place I took my country boy to in Portland would mean meeting M and running into my ex.
What else does fate hold for me? Not sure, but I'm sure there's something right around the corner. Every other March for over a decade has brought some sort of life changing event, and next month is an 'every other March'.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Let's Define CRAZY Shall We?
Crazy comes in many levels. There's crazy, as in 'baby you so crazee'. There's insane, as in 'check out that insane ride'. There's bat-shit crazy which is the seemingly opposite of sanity and common sense. And then there is BAT-SHIT FUCKING CRAZY. BSFC brings a whole new level to the crazy ladder. The Girlfriend Code is a small piece of a much larger incident that I truly needed these past two days to process.
Saturday night, mellow house party to celebrate the In-Between Christmas & New Years, we are making plans to ring in New Year's Eve, and the hostess and I decide to go play on the stripper pole installed in one of the bedrooms. Cue some Flo' Rida, take a cell phone pick, and the hostess offers 'hey, do you want to change into shorts so you get better grip?" Well, of course I do. I try on her black patent knee high boots with red satin laces up the side. The hostess offers "I have the cutest red top that matches those laces." Cue some Motley Crue, and there's no stopping me.
After a little "Girls, Girls, Girls" I go to walk down the hall and see my soon to be accuser, a.k.a. BFSCgirl, with her coat on, tears rolling down her face, and this vacant hollow look in her eyes. I ask "Hey, you leaving? What happened?" And all fucking hell broke loose.
"I have lost all faith in humanity!" says BSFCgirl. I still have no idea what the hell losing faith in humanity has to do with this.
**** was crazy about me until you came along. He wanted to see me not you. I have the text messages to prove it. The night of his party he said he wanted me." OK psycho, that was in April and it's December now.
You showed me all the text messages you sent ****** except for the one that said you wanted him. Actually I did show you that text because it was all in fun. we were all joking. just like it's a joke you saved text messages from April. And I saw those messages, he was crazy about your huge tits not you.
You slept with him. How can you say it was all in fun? You slept with him. You broke the girlfriend code. The fact you stalked him through his website for the past four years and never made a move in real life does not give you first dibs.
You're wearing a bra. Do you always dress like a whore? I didn't know the dress code was slutty attire tonight. I own swimsuits that show more skin. It's not like the whole party knows I got my hoohaa waxed two weeks ago.
He's down here watching you dance. You're a slutty whore. How could you come down here and dance for him. Oh honey if I really wanted to dance just for him, I wouldn't need to wait for tonight - and oh, he's not the only guy at the party or the only guy in the room.
The hostess came down the hall (thank god!) and asked what the fuck was going on. I made my way back into the pole room, while BFSCgirl proceeded to scream, yell, and rant at the hostess. **** and I stood there, looking at each other, almost dumbfounded, going "What the hell?"
BSFCgirl was asked to leave, and after she left the hostess came in to the pole room, and all three of us stood there dumbfounded, going "What the hell?" And just as we were gonna continue the party, BSFCgirl comes back into the house and unleashes again on all three of us together. Not a lot of what she said at this point was making sense... something about the three of us were conspiring against her, the hostess never lets her finish talking, **** didn't want to talk about her feelings when she did (newsflash, FWB agreements are JUST SEX - they are not about friendship, or feelings, and were created for the sole purpose of serving physical needs when no one else is available), and I was still a slutty whore. I'm sinking into the wall of the room, **** is cowered into the corner on the floor hiding behind his beer, and the hostess is asking her to leave again.
A final middle finger and "FUCK YOU!" to all of us as she was escorted out.
I have now seen BAT SHIT FUCKING CRAZY first hand, and it's not pretty. It's actually pretty pathetic. The twist that makes this BSFC and not just bat-shit crazy is the fact she thinks we need to apologize to her.
Let's see, back me into a wall, scream at me, call me names, and I'm supposed to apologize? Not gonna happen.
Saturday night, mellow house party to celebrate the In-Between Christmas & New Years, we are making plans to ring in New Year's Eve, and the hostess and I decide to go play on the stripper pole installed in one of the bedrooms. Cue some Flo' Rida, take a cell phone pick, and the hostess offers 'hey, do you want to change into shorts so you get better grip?" Well, of course I do. I try on her black patent knee high boots with red satin laces up the side. The hostess offers "I have the cutest red top that matches those laces." Cue some Motley Crue, and there's no stopping me.
After a little "Girls, Girls, Girls" I go to walk down the hall and see my soon to be accuser, a.k.a. BFSCgirl, with her coat on, tears rolling down her face, and this vacant hollow look in her eyes. I ask "Hey, you leaving? What happened?" And all fucking hell broke loose.
"I have lost all faith in humanity!" says BSFCgirl. I still have no idea what the hell losing faith in humanity has to do with this.
**** was crazy about me until you came along. He wanted to see me not you. I have the text messages to prove it. The night of his party he said he wanted me." OK psycho, that was in April and it's December now.
You showed me all the text messages you sent ****** except for the one that said you wanted him. Actually I did show you that text because it was all in fun. we were all joking. just like it's a joke you saved text messages from April. And I saw those messages, he was crazy about your huge tits not you.
You slept with him. How can you say it was all in fun? You slept with him. You broke the girlfriend code. The fact you stalked him through his website for the past four years and never made a move in real life does not give you first dibs.
You're wearing a bra. Do you always dress like a whore? I didn't know the dress code was slutty attire tonight. I own swimsuits that show more skin. It's not like the whole party knows I got my hoohaa waxed two weeks ago.
He's down here watching you dance. You're a slutty whore. How could you come down here and dance for him. Oh honey if I really wanted to dance just for him, I wouldn't need to wait for tonight - and oh, he's not the only guy at the party or the only guy in the room.
The hostess came down the hall (thank god!) and asked what the fuck was going on. I made my way back into the pole room, while BFSCgirl proceeded to scream, yell, and rant at the hostess. **** and I stood there, looking at each other, almost dumbfounded, going "What the hell?"
BSFCgirl was asked to leave, and after she left the hostess came in to the pole room, and all three of us stood there dumbfounded, going "What the hell?" And just as we were gonna continue the party, BSFCgirl comes back into the house and unleashes again on all three of us together. Not a lot of what she said at this point was making sense... something about the three of us were conspiring against her, the hostess never lets her finish talking, **** didn't want to talk about her feelings when she did (newsflash, FWB agreements are JUST SEX - they are not about friendship, or feelings, and were created for the sole purpose of serving physical needs when no one else is available), and I was still a slutty whore. I'm sinking into the wall of the room, **** is cowered into the corner on the floor hiding behind his beer, and the hostess is asking her to leave again.
A final middle finger and "FUCK YOU!" to all of us as she was escorted out.
I have now seen BAT SHIT FUCKING CRAZY first hand, and it's not pretty. It's actually pretty pathetic. The twist that makes this BSFC and not just bat-shit crazy is the fact she thinks we need to apologize to her.
Let's see, back me into a wall, scream at me, call me names, and I'm supposed to apologize? Not gonna happen.
Monday, December 29, 2008
The Girlfriend Code
This weekend was a first. I was accused of breaking 'The Girlfriend Code.' I have read Cosmo, Glamour, and a few other magazines for the last twenty years of my life so I know the girlfriend code inside out and backwards. I don't know that 'the girlfriend code' is written out in it's entirety anywhere, however, I do know enough about it to know I did not break it.
Included in the girlfriend code is that you do not sleep with anyone's current husband/fiance/boyfriend, the ex husband's/fiance's/boyfriend's of your friends, or potential boyfriends of your friends. The object of an unrequited and unacted upon crush held by a friend (and in this instance the friend really only talks to me every couple months or so) is not included in the girlfriend code.
Turns out, after I dated said object of crush, my accuser entered into an FWB agreement with said crush even though it seems she had feelings for said crush (hello - a little self respect? anybody?) and seems to be very bitter about him not wanting to date her. And considering my stint with dating said crush ended around 6 months ago, and she had known for the past 6 months that we dated, the statute of limitations is clearly over.
If anyone broke the girlfriend code, it wasn't me.
Included in the girlfriend code is that you do not sleep with anyone's current husband/fiance/boyfriend, the ex husband's/fiance's/boyfriend's of your friends, or potential boyfriends of your friends. The object of an unrequited and unacted upon crush held by a friend (and in this instance the friend really only talks to me every couple months or so) is not included in the girlfriend code.
Turns out, after I dated said object of crush, my accuser entered into an FWB agreement with said crush even though it seems she had feelings for said crush (hello - a little self respect? anybody?) and seems to be very bitter about him not wanting to date her. And considering my stint with dating said crush ended around 6 months ago, and she had known for the past 6 months that we dated, the statute of limitations is clearly over.
If anyone broke the girlfriend code, it wasn't me.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
And The Answer Is So Obvious
As I asked several friends my redneck question today, "what is it about me that screams redneck?"
Apparently, the answer is incredibly obvious to all but me. Discussing this with Sara and James tonight at happy hour, Sara looks at me and in all seriousness says
"Do you watch Redneck Wedding?" [check]
"Do you own guns?" [check]
"Do you have your own NASCAR driver?" [check]
"Where did you meet the latest redneck?" [in a bar with Roadhouse in it's name - check]
"Do you drive a Camaro?" [check]
And there I have it...
Apparently, the answer is incredibly obvious to all but me. Discussing this with Sara and James tonight at happy hour, Sara looks at me and in all seriousness says
"Do you watch Redneck Wedding?" [check]
"Do you own guns?" [check]
"Do you have your own NASCAR driver?" [check]
"Where did you meet the latest redneck?" [in a bar with Roadhouse in it's name - check]
"Do you drive a Camaro?" [check]
And there I have it...
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Only Rednecks Need Apply
There's something about me, not sure if there's a sign on my forehead or some vibe that I give off, that says "Please come hit on me if you hunt, fish, watch NASCAR, drive a 4x4, live in BFE, and it's a bonus if you are currently wearing any article of camo clothing."
mr.redbull is decidedly against me dating any more rednecks. He says it's just a familiarity thing for me because it's similar to the X-hubby. I am not looking for another cowboy, redneck, or hunter/gatherer type. That said, my attempts at dating non-rednecks haven't gone that well. One seemed to be slightly manic-depressive and the other was a worthless alcoholic that couldn't handle responsibility.
This past weekend I took a trip to the beach for a little very necessary R & R. Saturday night we went out to a local bar, and I met a cute guy who bought us girls drinks. Bonus - wearing a camo baseball cap. We traded numbers and I talked to him last night. Bonus number 2, he lives outside of Lincoln City on 10 acres. Bonus number 3, he's a Dale Jr fan. Bonus number 4, he hunts. Bonus number 5, he has dead animals mounted on his wall. I didn't ask about the truck, but I'd be willing to take bets that there's a 4x4 in his life somewhere.
So what do I do? Run the other way or go visit the beach again...
mr.redbull is decidedly against me dating any more rednecks. He says it's just a familiarity thing for me because it's similar to the X-hubby. I am not looking for another cowboy, redneck, or hunter/gatherer type. That said, my attempts at dating non-rednecks haven't gone that well. One seemed to be slightly manic-depressive and the other was a worthless alcoholic that couldn't handle responsibility.
This past weekend I took a trip to the beach for a little very necessary R & R. Saturday night we went out to a local bar, and I met a cute guy who bought us girls drinks. Bonus - wearing a camo baseball cap. We traded numbers and I talked to him last night. Bonus number 2, he lives outside of Lincoln City on 10 acres. Bonus number 3, he's a Dale Jr fan. Bonus number 4, he hunts. Bonus number 5, he has dead animals mounted on his wall. I didn't ask about the truck, but I'd be willing to take bets that there's a 4x4 in his life somewhere.
So what do I do? Run the other way or go visit the beach again...
Monday, November 17, 2008
How Many Naked Men Can I See Yet Still Not Get Any?
We found a Darcelle's virgin. Never seen a drag queen show, and never seen a male revue either. This was actually mid October - I am just super behind in updating everybody.
We saw the classic 'Rhinestone Cowboy' performance and a few new numbers like Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl". And then at midnight it was time for the Men of Paradise show. At Darcelle's and other 'male revue' performances the male strippers can only go down to there g-strings and they are not supposed to perform, um, 'at attention' but it is OK to take a camera in. One of the stippers borrowed my camera, took it up on stage, and provided a digital memento of that which isn't supposed to be shown during the show. There's other pictures too but none will be posted here...
A few weeks later, out with some other friends, one of them mentioned going to Darcelle's. Just then my BGF (that is best gay guy friend) texted me that they were going to Silverado, which happens to be a gay strip club. You are not allowed to take a camera inside there because they do take it all off - and ALL OF IT COMES OFF! Turns out, most of the strippers are 'gay for pay' where they are actually straight in real life. And some of them are really really really HOT.
No, I have not started dating a stripper. I did go back again... just once though.
We saw the classic 'Rhinestone Cowboy' performance and a few new numbers like Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl". And then at midnight it was time for the Men of Paradise show. At Darcelle's and other 'male revue' performances the male strippers can only go down to there g-strings and they are not supposed to perform, um, 'at attention' but it is OK to take a camera in. One of the stippers borrowed my camera, took it up on stage, and provided a digital memento of that which isn't supposed to be shown during the show. There's other pictures too but none will be posted here...
A few weeks later, out with some other friends, one of them mentioned going to Darcelle's. Just then my BGF (that is best gay guy friend) texted me that they were going to Silverado, which happens to be a gay strip club. You are not allowed to take a camera inside there because they do take it all off - and ALL OF IT COMES OFF! Turns out, most of the strippers are 'gay for pay' where they are actually straight in real life. And some of them are really really really HOT.
No, I have not started dating a stripper. I did go back again... just once though.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Oops! Where Did The Time Go?
The month of October has sucked the lifeblood out of me. OK, not the actual month but every thing I am managing at work. I do not like working a full day and then working for another few hours at home.
I have managed to throw my child a birthday party at the Oregon Humane Society. The kids loved going in to the cat rooms and playing with the cats. Then they went through the dog section and gave treats to all the dogs. Only one animal came home with someone, a rat named Charles.
M's birthday present from me was to get her ears pierced. Following piercing ears, I got my belly button pierced. M promptly told me that her sister handled it much better than I did because her sister didn't scream.
M got to meet RFG several weeks ago and she likes him. This is of course a first EVER! Unfortunately, RFG needs to get his shit together. He broke up with his last serious girlfriend in June and broke up with his rebound from that just days before we met. I do not need to be a rebound from a rebound.
A few weeks ago, we were at his friend's house and he had been drinking WAYYY too much and he acted like a complete ass. He left, then I left. He went on to another bar and was so drunk he called me because he couldn't find his car. I am thinking if you are so drunk you can't find your car, you shouldn't be driving. So the next day I told him we were dating but I was going to continue on with my life and dating other people. I actually have not seen him since but we are still talking. Tonight he sent me a text saying he missed me. Whatever...
In the meantime, good night. Time to take care of all these piercings.
I have managed to throw my child a birthday party at the Oregon Humane Society. The kids loved going in to the cat rooms and playing with the cats. Then they went through the dog section and gave treats to all the dogs. Only one animal came home with someone, a rat named Charles.
M's birthday present from me was to get her ears pierced. Following piercing ears, I got my belly button pierced. M promptly told me that her sister handled it much better than I did because her sister didn't scream.
M got to meet RFG several weeks ago and she likes him. This is of course a first EVER! Unfortunately, RFG needs to get his shit together. He broke up with his last serious girlfriend in June and broke up with his rebound from that just days before we met. I do not need to be a rebound from a rebound.
A few weeks ago, we were at his friend's house and he had been drinking WAYYY too much and he acted like a complete ass. He left, then I left. He went on to another bar and was so drunk he called me because he couldn't find his car. I am thinking if you are so drunk you can't find your car, you shouldn't be driving. So the next day I told him we were dating but I was going to continue on with my life and dating other people. I actually have not seen him since but we are still talking. Tonight he sent me a text saying he missed me. Whatever...
In the meantime, good night. Time to take care of all these piercings.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
It's MAN season
OK, not really. It's actually somewhere in between deer and elk season. Cowboy had called me a couple weeks ago. I was slightly wrapped up in RockFest Guy (which of course turned out to be a totally worthless drunk) so I didn't call back right away. I sent him a text to just say hello and ask how hunting went because I really didn't want there to be awkwardness if I ran into him again. He sent me a text back that said
yes i got my deer
did you find a man
are we going to dinner sometime
Apparently I was supposed to be hunting 'men' while he was out hunting deer.
yes i got my deer
did you find a man
are we going to dinner sometime
Apparently I was supposed to be hunting 'men' while he was out hunting deer.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
It's A Small World After All...
RFG (that's Rock Fest Guy) and I were talking tonight. We started discussing the upcoming basketball season, and he started to tell me about how his dad has had season tickets to the Blazer's since he was a kid. He mentioned a childhood friend, and what do you know? His best friend when he was little was 'secret crush guy' from my work.
Holy hell... 'secret crush guy' is apparently the center of my universe. Kinda blows any chance of dating them both since if they do reconnect they'll want to know how I know the other one.
Holy hell... 'secret crush guy' is apparently the center of my universe. Kinda blows any chance of dating them both since if they do reconnect they'll want to know how I know the other one.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Six Degrees Is Not Enough
Six degrees of Kevin Bacon is wonderfully silly drinking game based on the theory that any two actors can be connected through a movie Kevin Bacon starred in. There is also a scientific theory that any two people in the world are no more than six people apart. I am beginning to think six is an incredibly generous number.
There is a guy at work that I happen to have an incredibly huge crush on. I do not work with him in any way so our paths only cross in the coffee shop, at lunch, or occassionally at the gym. Another work friend has told me said crush is single, but she's protecting him so she isn't willing to help out my cause (as if guys need protected from me). Mr. redbull already thinks my work is the equivalent of high school for grown-ups and that I should not dive head first into the deep end of the work dating pool.
Monday afternoon, Sara and I head downstairs for coffee. Who should I see in the coffee shop ahead of me in line? Why my crush, of course. Said hi, and he says "I meant to say something earlier but your cousin's friend Anne says hi."
"Oh, Anne's great. How do you know Anne?"
"She's the hygienist at my dentist. She always has the greatest stories. We had this totally inappropriate conversation."
"Well that's Anne. Almost all conversations with Anne cover something inappropriate."
Little nudge on the arm from my crush, "She told me all about this great Passions Party she went to..."
All I could really do at that point was giggle like a little school girl, turn red, and hyperventilate. His coffee was ready so I said "Bye!" and he left. I completely lost any and all composure I had, Sara had to order my coffee for me because all I could do was point at the size cup I wanted. Then I had to explain to the girl behind the counter why I was having this complete meltdown of laughter and hyperventilation. She asked if I wanted a shot of vodka in my coffee.
Well, at least I already know he'll answer question number 7 correctly.
There is a guy at work that I happen to have an incredibly huge crush on. I do not work with him in any way so our paths only cross in the coffee shop, at lunch, or occassionally at the gym. Another work friend has told me said crush is single, but she's protecting him so she isn't willing to help out my cause (as if guys need protected from me). Mr. redbull already thinks my work is the equivalent of high school for grown-ups and that I should not dive head first into the deep end of the work dating pool.
Monday afternoon, Sara and I head downstairs for coffee. Who should I see in the coffee shop ahead of me in line? Why my crush, of course. Said hi, and he says "I meant to say something earlier but your cousin's friend Anne says hi."
"Oh, Anne's great. How do you know Anne?"
"She's the hygienist at my dentist. She always has the greatest stories. We had this totally inappropriate conversation."
"Well that's Anne. Almost all conversations with Anne cover something inappropriate."
Little nudge on the arm from my crush, "She told me all about this great Passions Party she went to..."
All I could really do at that point was giggle like a little school girl, turn red, and hyperventilate. His coffee was ready so I said "Bye!" and he left. I completely lost any and all composure I had, Sara had to order my coffee for me because all I could do was point at the size cup I wanted. Then I had to explain to the girl behind the counter why I was having this complete meltdown of laughter and hyperventilation. She asked if I wanted a shot of vodka in my coffee.
Well, at least I already know he'll answer question number 7 correctly.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Rock People Go To RockFest
I have mr. redbull to thank for this past Friday at KUFO's Rockfest lucky number 13 at Columbia Meadows. Tickets plus VIP parking, plus VIP tent access, and the best freaking people watching ever. I realize now that I just need to carry my good camera and take the pictures to prove the things I write about are for real.
Like the fact I personally have no issue with people who wear cutoffs, the only thing I ask is that they actually cut the jeans off all the way around. Cutoff only in the back is wrong. And if you are female, and do not play rugby, they make products that remove facial hair. Some of them are fairly inexpensive even.
I have one more reason to thank mr. redbull and that is I met a guy in the VIP tent. He's got two things in his favor already as far as this blog goes. If I nickname him after his drink, he would be Jack & Coke, or if I nickname him after how we met, he is Rock Fest Guy.
One thing about going places with mr. redbull, I have to approach guys because they all think I am with him even I'm not and we don't act like we are 'together'. But the good thing about going places with mr. redbull, if I don't want approached I am safe.
More to come later, but right now I am so exhausted I can barely think straight let alone type.
Like the fact I personally have no issue with people who wear cutoffs, the only thing I ask is that they actually cut the jeans off all the way around. Cutoff only in the back is wrong. And if you are female, and do not play rugby, they make products that remove facial hair. Some of them are fairly inexpensive even.
I have one more reason to thank mr. redbull and that is I met a guy in the VIP tent. He's got two things in his favor already as far as this blog goes. If I nickname him after his drink, he would be Jack & Coke, or if I nickname him after how we met, he is Rock Fest Guy.
One thing about going places with mr. redbull, I have to approach guys because they all think I am with him even I'm not and we don't act like we are 'together'. But the good thing about going places with mr. redbull, if I don't want approached I am safe.
More to come later, but right now I am so exhausted I can barely think straight let alone type.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Run Forrest Run!
I seem to have lost my mind, or at least a portion of it because I willingly got up at 6:30 this Sunday morning to celebrate my birthday by running the Pints to Pasta 10K. Not to mention I also did the Portland to Coast relay two weekends ago (this is the walking version of the Hood to Coast relay).
This morning's run (well, jog for me really) ended at Old Spaghetti Factory downtown. The race was sponsored in part by Jamba Juice who set up a booth at the finish where they handed out little itty bitty jamba juice cups. Those were the best Jamba's I have ever had! Well, they seemed like the best Jamba's ever after running 6.5 miles. I could have gotten a plate of spaghetti, garlic bread, and a Widmer (remember, the race is called Pints to Pasta) but that sounded so unappetizing I couldn't do it. I am pretty proud of myself over this though. I am waiting for official time to get posted, but my net time should be around 1 hour 22 minutes and I ran about 3.5 miles of the course.
The best part of this morning though, the race route went through downtown and directly in front of the X's condo. He brought M out to the sidewalk to wait for me to run by so she could give me a hug and cheer me on. There is nothing like getting a hug from your kid halfway through a race. I really could not have asked for anything more.
This morning's run (well, jog for me really) ended at Old Spaghetti Factory downtown. The race was sponsored in part by Jamba Juice who set up a booth at the finish where they handed out little itty bitty jamba juice cups. Those were the best Jamba's I have ever had! Well, they seemed like the best Jamba's ever after running 6.5 miles. I could have gotten a plate of spaghetti, garlic bread, and a Widmer (remember, the race is called Pints to Pasta) but that sounded so unappetizing I couldn't do it. I am pretty proud of myself over this though. I am waiting for official time to get posted, but my net time should be around 1 hour 22 minutes and I ran about 3.5 miles of the course.
The best part of this morning though, the race route went through downtown and directly in front of the X's condo. He brought M out to the sidewalk to wait for me to run by so she could give me a hug and cheer me on. There is nothing like getting a hug from your kid halfway through a race. I really could not have asked for anything more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)