And in the meantime, please enjoy the following... (I did not write this, although since I do not know who did I cannot give credit where credit is due.)
This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2009, by _______________, between _____________ and ___________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
None of that "lovemaking" shit --only mind-blowing sex allowed.
No emotional discussions--Examples: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
All gifts accepted--money is always good.
No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies.
Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the agreement.If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: ______________________
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nature Calls
It isn't often that I'm wrong. Not that I won't admit to being wrong, but I'm just right most of the time. For years and years and years I have resisted whole heartedly doing anything remotely outdoorsy. I told myself I didn't like dirt, I like the city too much, I won't have any fun, and any other number of things. Readers of this blog might remember my Labor Day camping trip with cowboy, but for the most part I don't do the outdoors.
I went on an all girls camping trip this weekend. I realized several things throughout this experience. I can actually enjoy time in the outdoors and even have some fun with things. I have the ability to be resourceful when needed. And perhaps most shocking of all, I am more country-fied than I thought and I am by far not the most city-fied of the girls I know.
I agreed to go on this trip under the mistaken impression the trip organizer knew what she was doing. Granted, she said up front that she had not been camping in probably 5 years but she knew where we should go, was putting the effort into organizing, and could borrow all the necessary equipment. Kris, Susan, and Linda went up on Thursday to save two campsights for all of us who were arriving on Friday.
When Nona, Sara, and I arrived on Friday we were very grateful the other girls had come up on Thursday since the entire campground was full. As we were getting settled, we said we would pitch our own tents since it looked like the one they had put up was too big for the spot it was in. Turns out, the borrowed tent had been assembled incorrectly on Thursday night and the pole broke so it was in upside down V shape instead of an arc. The other girls didn't seem to understand why Nona and I didn't want to sleep in a tent that appeared to be on the verge of collapse.
We settled the tent issue by simply taking the tent down and putting our two up. Then, instead of letting it go, two of the girls went off in search of a guy from one of the other campsites to help put the tent on the verge of collapse back up in a different spot. The other tent assembled prior to our arrival had its own issues. Apparently there was an extra piece they weren't sure what to do with so they attached it some loops inside the tent to form a triangle in the center of the dome. Uhhh no, not correct. The 'extra piece' was the support post to the rain flap. Jen and Suzy made it there shortly after we did and we were all laughing about the tents, and how the second tent had poles that were two different lengths when Jen asked 'how do the poles fit in those little bags the tent comes in?' I swear everyone said they had been camping before but clearly not everyone is as camping experienced as they led the rest of the group to believe. At least I knew the tent I was sleeping in was assembled right (thank you Nona!).
I survived night one in the wilderness. Sara, Nona, and I cooked everyone breakfast Saturday morning. Our scheduled meal was for Sunday's breakfast but we were up before everyone else and wanted to eat. All of us girls headed down to the lake and I have a lovely sunburn on my chest and shoulders to show for it. I almost quit smoking again since the country store at the campground charged 8$ per pack. I didn't though because I drove into Parkdale later that afternoon for ice and bought cigarettes there.
Saturday night brought even more new experiences. I don't BBQ and I don't like touching raw meat. Hello, I buy pre-sliced chicken breast just for that reason. Saturday night's menu called for hamburgers, corn on the cob, and baked beans. Simple, right? Ummm, not so much. Instead of frozen pre-formed hamburger patties, Kris brought a package of bulk hamburger. Instead of pre-sliced cheese, she pulls a 2-pound brick out of the cooler. She asked if I could help her make the hamburgers, and I ended up making almost all of them. Then, no one knew how to use the portable propane grill. Well, I watched the x grill for 11 years so I figured I would step up. Not only did I make the hamburgers, I BBQ'd them too.
I survived night two in the wild. Sunday morning we three were up before everyone else again. No biggie. We had enough food left over to cook again for all of us. We would just cook and leave the girls their breakfast so we could get back to town. Only problem was the campstove was over at the other campsite. When Sara went to get it, she accidentally woke them up. So they insisted that they were going to cook since we had cooked yesterday. The second problem turned out to be that Jen didn't cook so well. I'm not hip on cold in the middle hashbrowns or soft bacon that's an odd grey color.
When it was all said and done, it wasn't bad at all. I had fun, learned some lessons on what to do next time, and I got a good tan. What more can I ask for, right?
I went on an all girls camping trip this weekend. I realized several things throughout this experience. I can actually enjoy time in the outdoors and even have some fun with things. I have the ability to be resourceful when needed. And perhaps most shocking of all, I am more country-fied than I thought and I am by far not the most city-fied of the girls I know.
I agreed to go on this trip under the mistaken impression the trip organizer knew what she was doing. Granted, she said up front that she had not been camping in probably 5 years but she knew where we should go, was putting the effort into organizing, and could borrow all the necessary equipment. Kris, Susan, and Linda went up on Thursday to save two campsights for all of us who were arriving on Friday.
When Nona, Sara, and I arrived on Friday we were very grateful the other girls had come up on Thursday since the entire campground was full. As we were getting settled, we said we would pitch our own tents since it looked like the one they had put up was too big for the spot it was in. Turns out, the borrowed tent had been assembled incorrectly on Thursday night and the pole broke so it was in upside down V shape instead of an arc. The other girls didn't seem to understand why Nona and I didn't want to sleep in a tent that appeared to be on the verge of collapse.
We settled the tent issue by simply taking the tent down and putting our two up. Then, instead of letting it go, two of the girls went off in search of a guy from one of the other campsites to help put the tent on the verge of collapse back up in a different spot. The other tent assembled prior to our arrival had its own issues. Apparently there was an extra piece they weren't sure what to do with so they attached it some loops inside the tent to form a triangle in the center of the dome. Uhhh no, not correct. The 'extra piece' was the support post to the rain flap. Jen and Suzy made it there shortly after we did and we were all laughing about the tents, and how the second tent had poles that were two different lengths when Jen asked 'how do the poles fit in those little bags the tent comes in?' I swear everyone said they had been camping before but clearly not everyone is as camping experienced as they led the rest of the group to believe. At least I knew the tent I was sleeping in was assembled right (thank you Nona!).
I survived night one in the wilderness. Sara, Nona, and I cooked everyone breakfast Saturday morning. Our scheduled meal was for Sunday's breakfast but we were up before everyone else and wanted to eat. All of us girls headed down to the lake and I have a lovely sunburn on my chest and shoulders to show for it. I almost quit smoking again since the country store at the campground charged 8$ per pack. I didn't though because I drove into Parkdale later that afternoon for ice and bought cigarettes there.
Saturday night brought even more new experiences. I don't BBQ and I don't like touching raw meat. Hello, I buy pre-sliced chicken breast just for that reason. Saturday night's menu called for hamburgers, corn on the cob, and baked beans. Simple, right? Ummm, not so much. Instead of frozen pre-formed hamburger patties, Kris brought a package of bulk hamburger. Instead of pre-sliced cheese, she pulls a 2-pound brick out of the cooler. She asked if I could help her make the hamburgers, and I ended up making almost all of them. Then, no one knew how to use the portable propane grill. Well, I watched the x grill for 11 years so I figured I would step up. Not only did I make the hamburgers, I BBQ'd them too.
I survived night two in the wild. Sunday morning we three were up before everyone else again. No biggie. We had enough food left over to cook again for all of us. We would just cook and leave the girls their breakfast so we could get back to town. Only problem was the campstove was over at the other campsite. When Sara went to get it, she accidentally woke them up. So they insisted that they were going to cook since we had cooked yesterday. The second problem turned out to be that Jen didn't cook so well. I'm not hip on cold in the middle hashbrowns or soft bacon that's an odd grey color.
When it was all said and done, it wasn't bad at all. I had fun, learned some lessons on what to do next time, and I got a good tan. What more can I ask for, right?
Friday, July 3, 2009
As I Wait...
Country boy should be here any minute actually. He's coming up to spend the weekend here. I may not even get to finish this post since he literally will be here any minute.
I got stopped for speeding Friday before last, twice. Once in Yamhill for 42 in a 25. Got a lecture from a dickhead cop about how could I not have seen the speed limit sign. He wrote me a ticket. Less than an hour later a State Trooper stopped me on 26. He was very nice about the whole thing. He told me to do him a favor, and "slow down hon." I had no choice since he pulled out in front of me and I had to follow him the rest of the way into Seaside.
After that fabulous trip, I finally made it to Seaside and the girls poured me a drink, then another, and another, and then we walked to a bar and I had another. Normally that is not a big deal but the second 'and another' was champagne and dinner had been a Reese's Fast Break. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor paying homage to the porcelain bathtub god and slept on the floor directly in front of the open patio door.
I'm so proud. No, not really. I know better. Eat before you drink. Don't mix alcohol types. Take the time to stop at the store and make sure drinks I know I can drink all night are available. Never said I knew better than to drink to oblivion, I just know how to do it better.
And no, he's not here yet.
I got stopped for speeding Friday before last, twice. Once in Yamhill for 42 in a 25. Got a lecture from a dickhead cop about how could I not have seen the speed limit sign. He wrote me a ticket. Less than an hour later a State Trooper stopped me on 26. He was very nice about the whole thing. He told me to do him a favor, and "slow down hon." I had no choice since he pulled out in front of me and I had to follow him the rest of the way into Seaside.
After that fabulous trip, I finally made it to Seaside and the girls poured me a drink, then another, and another, and then we walked to a bar and I had another. Normally that is not a big deal but the second 'and another' was champagne and dinner had been a Reese's Fast Break. I spent an hour on the bathroom floor paying homage to the porcelain bathtub god and slept on the floor directly in front of the open patio door.
I'm so proud. No, not really. I know better. Eat before you drink. Don't mix alcohol types. Take the time to stop at the store and make sure drinks I know I can drink all night are available. Never said I knew better than to drink to oblivion, I just know how to do it better.
And no, he's not here yet.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Parenting Styles of the Lazy and Ignorant
I still know how to line dance. It really truly is like riding a bike. No matter how long it's been, it all comes back to you. Took my country boy with me to Bushwhacker's last night. He doesn't dance though and nobody would ask me to dance with him sitting next to me. Well, one guy asked me but only because country boy had his arm around Amanda so some creep would leave her alone.
Another fabulous shout out to M's dad's parenting style. M and I are sitting on the couch tonight, flip the TV on and it's on VH1. Whatever was on, the commercials for 'Daisy of Love' came on. M says she thinks 'Daisy of Love' is funny. Holy Christ! what planet is it OK to let an 8 year old watch 'Daisy of Love' and 'Family Guy'? It's not! Ever!
We had a little discussion about what a twit Daisy is, how the silicone in her boobs has killed her brain cells, and how all the guys on the show are complete douchebags (using slightly different verbage of course). I decided we would leave VH1 on and we would watch Daisy together. As we talk about some of the people on the show, and the bad life choices they have made, she declares that she has seen this episode before and proceeds to tell me what happens with the skunk and the guys in their underwear and how 6Gauge showed everyone his "6Gauge" while they were in the limo.
Funny, yes... was I ready to hear my 8 year old's interpretation of Daisy of Love, not so much.
Another fabulous shout out to M's dad's parenting style. M and I are sitting on the couch tonight, flip the TV on and it's on VH1. Whatever was on, the commercials for 'Daisy of Love' came on. M says she thinks 'Daisy of Love' is funny. Holy Christ! what planet is it OK to let an 8 year old watch 'Daisy of Love' and 'Family Guy'? It's not! Ever!
We had a little discussion about what a twit Daisy is, how the silicone in her boobs has killed her brain cells, and how all the guys on the show are complete douchebags (using slightly different verbage of course). I decided we would leave VH1 on and we would watch Daisy together. As we talk about some of the people on the show, and the bad life choices they have made, she declares that she has seen this episode before and proceeds to tell me what happens with the skunk and the guys in their underwear and how 6Gauge showed everyone his "6Gauge" while they were in the limo.
Funny, yes... was I ready to hear my 8 year old's interpretation of Daisy of Love, not so much.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Oh My Long Neglected Blog
Where shall I start? My country boy is still mine. This coming weekend will be six months since we met at the bar with the peanut shells on the floor. We took 14 hour road trip to Montana and Yellowstone last week with little ones in tow, and he didn't run. M likes him, and has fun with him.
Cowgirl's closed, remodeled, took down the stripper poles, and when we went back we were the token white people. We are in search of a new favorite bar.
M's dad has gone from dickhead to slightly responsible and all the way back to complete dickhead. He had a girlfriend for a while, who had a daughter around M's age. This actually made him be a better dad. Now that they broke up, he needs to switch his weeknight visitation to a different night because he's "a single guy now. There's a lot to do on Thursday nights for single guys downtown." Never mind that M is better behaved when she doesn't bounce back and forth between houses all week long, it's Thirsty Thursday at PGE Park.
Cowgirl's closed, remodeled, took down the stripper poles, and when we went back we were the token white people. We are in search of a new favorite bar.
M's dad has gone from dickhead to slightly responsible and all the way back to complete dickhead. He had a girlfriend for a while, who had a daughter around M's age. This actually made him be a better dad. Now that they broke up, he needs to switch his weeknight visitation to a different night because he's "a single guy now. There's a lot to do on Thursday nights for single guys downtown." Never mind that M is better behaved when she doesn't bounce back and forth between houses all week long, it's Thirsty Thursday at PGE Park.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friends?
I will be the first to say it is absolutely better to be friends with the ex, and get along with everybody involved rather than find things to fight about for the sake of fighting. It is absolutely better to get along with the other ex's if there are children involved.
I now realize I am "the other ex" as I was struggling a little bit with accepting the ex's current girlfriend's myspace friend request.
I did accept though :)
I now realize I am "the other ex" as I was struggling a little bit with accepting the ex's current girlfriend's myspace friend request.
I did accept though :)
Monday, March 30, 2009
Buy One Get One Free? I'd Rather Not
I have been remiss in not updating, although now my update is a little sad. M had another very sad day yesterday, and I feel absolutely shitty about it.
I was just talking about how we had managed to keep this hamster for over six months and what did that do? I jinxed us. Yesterday we came home to a disaster. Rufus (the newest foster dog) did not meet us at the front door so I immediately knew something was wrong. As soon as I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw the stuffing from the hamster cage spilled all over the floor and knew something bad was waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. The cage was completely apart, and there was Hairball's lifeless body.
Hearing M wail for half an hour broke my heart. Then before bed she thought maybe she had left the bathroom door open and that it might have been her fault. Another half hour of absolute wailing.
Today I had to call the same vet that cremated Fluffy to make sure I could bring in Hairball. Apparently I was charged the incorrect price last time because the correct price for private cremation of a 6 ounce hamster is $104. After I recovered from my shock, I had to figure out what to do. Do I explain to an 8 year old that there is way in fucking hell I'm paying over $100 to cremate an animal that fits in my hand and cost $10? Or do I simply take the hamster in, hand it over, buy the little paw print ceramic tile, and three weeks from now bring a home a box that looks like the last one? I'm thinking option number two sounds really good.
I was just talking about how we had managed to keep this hamster for over six months and what did that do? I jinxed us. Yesterday we came home to a disaster. Rufus (the newest foster dog) did not meet us at the front door so I immediately knew something was wrong. As soon as I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw the stuffing from the hamster cage spilled all over the floor and knew something bad was waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. The cage was completely apart, and there was Hairball's lifeless body.
Hearing M wail for half an hour broke my heart. Then before bed she thought maybe she had left the bathroom door open and that it might have been her fault. Another half hour of absolute wailing.
Today I had to call the same vet that cremated Fluffy to make sure I could bring in Hairball. Apparently I was charged the incorrect price last time because the correct price for private cremation of a 6 ounce hamster is $104. After I recovered from my shock, I had to figure out what to do. Do I explain to an 8 year old that there is way in fucking hell I'm paying over $100 to cremate an animal that fits in my hand and cost $10? Or do I simply take the hamster in, hand it over, buy the little paw print ceramic tile, and three weeks from now bring a home a box that looks like the last one? I'm thinking option number two sounds really good.
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